Experimental Beauty and the Beast

Ah, vacation...

"Where am I vacationing?," you're probably asking yourself. "How dare she travel with 30 years of debt and enslavement under the man hanging over her head," you might be shaking your head to... I am vacationing in a mystical place- one you can only get to if you've already been there- a place its inhabitants refer to as "The Peninsula."

Sounds exotic, doesn't it.

The Peninsula offers a variety of things to its temporary residents. Amenities such as in room dining services, featuring entrees like baked tilapia or salmon, zesty beef brisket, roast turkey with gravy, along with a whole host of other tasty victuals, all of them hand delivered with fresh fruit, desert, and 3 drinks at a time! Imagine that... triple fisting!

Well, dear reader, I'm not on vacation. No, no, no-- but it's the next best thing: the hospital!

As I mentioned in my last blog posting, I was having significant money troubles awhile back. While the daily perusing of craigslist.com always brought back a good 10 or 12 job listings I would immediately apply to, nothing was really happening. I got desperate. I started looking at the medical research listings. At first, there were you average Sleep Studies... then there were the "Get $10,000 for donating your eggs" (very tempting, I must say)... and then, I struck Lab Rat Gold: Bunion Surgery.

For those of you unfamiliar, bunions are these very unfortunate bone deformities of the foot. From participating in the study, I've learned the following things: 1) Bunions are genetic and they are not because of the kind of shoes you wore as a kid. 2) They form because of an extra bone that grows in between your big toe and second toe, pushing your big toe knuckle outward and forcing your toe inward to counteract and keep your balance, only getting worse over time until your toes are totally sideways or you can't walk at all. 3) If not taken care of early enough, surgery can be very difficult and painful, and recovery requires you to sit in a wheelchair for 6 weeks or more. GREAT! I called the 800 number immediately. Aside from all this other information, they make your feet fugly. I haven't been able to wear open toe shoes for my entire life. Not even flip-flops for God's sake. Can you imagine? Life without flip-flops? Awful! Traumatizing! And trying to buy shoes?! Good luck, arthritic bump on the outside of each foot... I wanted a life free from fugly foot disease, a life where I could try on and buy ANY pair of shoes I wanted, a life where the corrective surgery not covered by my insurance company would be provided unto me for free. Voila, my induction into the Bunion Research Study commenced.

Run by Lotus Research, a team of very capable medical people that were super nice and very accommodating, the study was simple: answer our survey questions, qualify for the study, meet the doctor and take x-rays, schedule a surgery date, a couple of days in the hospital, and subsequent doctor's visits and equipment-- on them. Oh, by the way, we'll pay you for it too- nothing much really, just $1,000! All you have to do is fill out a survey on your pain every 6 hours... Sounds easy? It was! Too easy. I had my right foot operated on first, since that one was further along in the bunion development than the left. It has pretty much completely healed inside and out: look at how straight the bastard is! And the left foot has gone off even easier than the right-- minimal swelling, not too much bruising... I didn't even need crutches this time! AND this study paid more than the first, gave me 4.5 days in the hospital being waited on hand and foot (literally), and offered much better drugs. Incredible. I only wish I had another foot to have an operation on. Next step: custom insteps.

Are you gellin?

Note to family: no more ugly feet jokes.



And buy me some sweet shoes, it's springtime for the piggies :)

Cheers!